Setting Boundaries with Loved Ones
How to Protect Your Peace Without Guilt
The Truth About Boundaries
One of the most important things to understand about boundaries is that they are something you implement, not something you expect others to uphold. Boundaries are about what you will do, not about controlling how someone else behaves. This is important to remember because people will continue to act according to their own needs and perspectives, regardless of your limits.
Everyone is the protagonist of their own life, acting in ways that make sense to them. This doesn’t make them selfish—it makes them human. The parent who constantly asks for more time together, the friend who leans on you for emotional support without considering your capacity, or the boss who regularly asks you to stay late at work, even though it’s outside your job description—each of them is simply expressing their needs in the way they’ve learned to. But even when we know this, setting and holding boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially when guilt creeps in.
The Guilt Trap
Sometimes, people think they’re setting a boundary when they’re actually setting a guilt-driven limitation. For example:
Saying “I can’t talk long” instead of “I can’t take late-night calls.”
Saying “I’ll stop by, but just for a little bit” instead of “I can’t come this weekend.”
These sound like boundaries, but they’re really compromises driven by guilt. A true boundary is something you commit to upholding, even if the other person doesn’t like it.
Guilt is often triggered when we go against someone else’s values. Shame, on the other hand, is what we feel when we go against our own. This is why it’s crucial to challenge our relationship with guilt—because at the end of the day, what truly matters is whether you are acting in alignment with your own values, not whether you are meeting someone else’s expectations.
How to Set Boundaries Without Losing Yourself
The way you enforce a boundary depends on the nature of the relationship and how much emotional safety it offers.
In healthy relationships where loved ones simply ask too much of you:
Communicate your boundary clearly and kindly. Explain why it exists, and when they push back (because they likely will) remind yourself that their discomfort does not mean you’re doing something wrong. Growth in relationships often comes with friction, but most connections can withstand the discomfort of change. Over time, with consistency, a new dynamic will emerge.
When a loved one repeatedly disregards your boundary:
Expect them to continue asking for what they want, because that’s what makes sense to them. Instead of wasting energy getting frustrated that they aren't immediately respecting your limits, shift your mindset: They’re playing their part, and I need to play mine. Your role is to hold the boundary. Theirs is to act in ways they always have. If they choose not to respect it, the real question is: What will you do next?
Sometimes, reinforcing a boundary means distancing yourself further. Other times, it means letting go of the need for validation from those who will never understand your limits. Either way, the power lies in your response, not in their behavior.
Setting a Boundary in a Toxic Relationship
Let’s say you have a friend who constantly criticizes your choices, making you feel small and unworthy. You’ve told them before that their words hurt you, but they always brush it off or say you’re being too sensitive.
Instead of hoping they’ll change, you implement a boundary:
“I won’t continue conversations where I feel disrespected. If you speak to me this way, I’ll end the conversation.”
If they continue the behavior, you follow through:
“I told you I won’t stay in conversations where I feel disrespected, so I’m leaving now.” (Then, actually leave.)
Over time, you might need to adjust your boundary further:
“I don’t feel good in this friendship anymore, so I need to step back.”
Boundaries aren’t about punishing others; they’re about protecting yourself. If someone refuses to respect your limits, you don’t need to keep explaining—your actions will speak for you.
The Energy Shift That Changes Everything
We waste so much time and emotional energy wishing people would change when, in reality, the only thing we can control is our own actions. When you stop fighting to get others to respect your boundaries and instead focus on honoring them yourself, everything shifts.
So the next time someone pushes your limits, remember: They are playing their role. You need to play yours.