On the ‘Let Them’ Theory
What the internet got right—and wrong—about Mel Robbins’ viral idea
Mel Robbins' "Let Them Theory" made waves when it first hit social media. The idea was simple and bold: when people show you who they are, through cancellations, judgment, or distance, just let them. Don’t chase, don’t correct, don’t control. Let them be who they are and then decide what you want to do next. When it first went viral, it felt like a revelation—a permission slip to release control and reclaim peace. For weeks, I couldn’t scroll Instagram or TV without hearing someone quote it, and I was one of them. I brought it into sessions, shared it with friends, and even used it as a personal mantra. Let them cancel. Let them judge. Let them go. It felt liberating, like dropping a weight I didn’t realize I was carrying.
But like most things that take the internet by storm, the backlash wasn’t far behind. As the initial glow faded, skepticism naturally followed. One of my clients raised a few pointed questions that made me pause and reflect:
“Does letting them mean I never confront the people in my life? If I just let everyone ‘do them,’ won’t that come at a cost to our closeness? At what point does ‘let them’ become avoidant?”
These were thoughtful, layered questions that challenged me to consider when and how this theory actually serves us.
Here’s what I’ve come to believe:
“Let them” is not a substitute for communication. It’s not for the moments when something hurts and you haven’t yet said it out loud. It’s not for relationships where mutual care is still alive and there’s room to work through the tension.
It’s for the moments after. After you’ve expressed your needs. After you’ve asked for what matters to you. After you've hoped they would change, and they didn’t.
I often tell my clients that when life presents you with a problem, there are four ways to respond:
Solve it
Change how you feel about it
Accept it
Do nothing
Let’s say you have a friend who chronically shows up late to plans. You talk to them about it—kindly, directly, clearly. They apologize… and then they’re late again. And again. You’ve tried to solve it, but nothing changes. So you ask yourself, Can I shift how I feel about it? Maybe at first, you try to laugh it off or let it go. But deep down, it still stings. It makes you feel unimportant.
That’s when you hit step three: acceptance.
And this is where Let Them becomes more than a slogan; it becomes a boundary.
Let them show up late.
Let them keep doing what they do.
And then decide: Do I want to keep showing up, too?
Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of the behavior. It means you stop fighting reality. You stop contorting yourself, reminding, resenting, or re-explaining what you need over and over again.
Let them isn’t passive, it’s powerful.
It’s saying, I see what’s real here. I can’t change it. But I can change what I continue to engage with.
If you want to stay in the relationship, you stay with eyes open knowing that this dynamic is part of the deal. And when it shows up again, you don’t spiral. You don’t overanalyze. You don’t get caught in the loop.
You simply let them.
Let them cancel.
Let them disappoint.
Let them not show up.
And then ask yourself: Knowing my energy is limited, what am I willing to stop fixating on to protect it?
Because in the end, "letting them" is about protecting your finite energy. It's not about giving up, it’s about getting clear on what’s yours to carry and what isn’t. It's the conscious choice to stop pouring energy into what you can’t control, and to redirect it toward what you can: your peace, your boundaries, your time.
Let them. And let yourself release what drains you, so you can preserve what energizes you.