How to Approach Problems in a Relationship
A Practical Guide
When life presents us with a problem, we have four choices: solve it, change how we feel about it, accept it, or do nothing and remain “miserable.” This decision-making framework is especially helpful when dealing with issues in relationships that are important to us. Each option offers a path forward, but the choice we make depends on our willingness to confront the issue honestly and the nature of the relationship itself.
Option 1: Solve the Problem
The first option is to solve the problem. This involves directly addressing the issue with the other person and communicating openly about what needs to change. Ask yourself, "Can I give this person feedback to help them show up better in the relationship?"
Perhaps there's something from the past that you're holding on to and need to express in order to move forward. Maybe the relationship feels disconnected, and you need to spend more time together, or perhaps external factors are influencing the relationship negatively. By pinpointing the source of the issue and working together to solve it, both individuals can grow and strengthen the relationship.
Option 2: Change How You Feel About It
The second option is to change the way you feel about the issue. Sometimes, the problem may not be something that can be easily solved, but you can reframe your perception of it. Ask yourself, "Can I interpret their behavior differently? Can I put this issue into a broader context?"
Reframing is a powerful tool that allows you to see the issue from a less reactive place. For example, if you’re hurt by someone's behavior, consider whether their actions reflect something about them personally rather than the relationship. You can choose to view the situation with more empathy or understanding, which might shift how you feel about the problem. By changing your perspective, you can reduce the emotional weight of the issue without necessarily needing to confront the other person’s behavior.
Option 3: Accept It
When neither solving the problem nor changing how you feel about it is possible, the next step is acceptance. This means acknowledging that the issue exists and may not change. Acceptance might involve coming to terms with certain qualities of the other person that you can’t change. For example, if someone consistently behaves in a way that frustrates you, and you’ve tried to solve it without success, it might be time to accept that this is part of who they are.
Acceptance isn’t about passively tolerating the issue. It’s about acknowledging that, while the problem may bother you, the overall value of the relationship might outweigh this specific challenge. However, it can also bring the difficult realization that if a certain trait is fundamental to who this person is, and it's too difficult to overlook, ending the relationship may be necessary. You can either embrace the relationship as it is or walk away, but resisting the reality of the situation will only deepen your frustration.
Option 4: Stay Miserable
Finally, the last option is to stay miserable, which is the path of inaction. This happens when you choose to do nothing about the problem- neither solving it, reframing it, nor accepting it. Instead, you continue to feel frustrated, angry, or hurt without taking any meaningful steps to change the situation. This only leads to prolonged suffering because you’re fighting against reality without making an effort to change it.
Conclusion
Each option requires reflection and action, but only the first three lead to growth and peace of mind. Whether you choose to work on the issue, reframe your perspective, or accept the reality of the situation, you're actively engaging with the problem. But if you choose to do nothing, the result is stagnation and continued frustration. By evaluating the situation and choosing the most appropriate response, you can navigate relationship challenges in a healthier, more constructive way.