Dear Stevie,

I love my parents and want to stay close, but I often feel annoyed by them. I’ve told them what bothers me, but nothing changes. How do I stay connected without building resentment?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you start to see your parents more clearly, flaws and all. No matter when it happens, it can be surprisingly painful. One of the most grounding truths I’ve learned is that most people are doing the best they can with the life experience and emotional tools they have. This doesn’t mean they couldn’t do better, and it certainly doesn’t erase the hurt they may have caused. But when you hold both truths at once, that they are trying AND that their efforts sometimes fall short, it can create just enough space for compassion and the possibility of healing.

Coming to this understanding doesn't mean you won't still feel frustrated, but it can shift how you respond when those familiar triggers arise. When you feel yourself getting reactive, try pausing and getting curious instead. Ask yourself: What might be driving their behavior? What are they really trying to communicate beneath the surface? Often, their actions trace back to their own childhood or the patterns they learned from their parents.

Choosing the most generous interpretation doesn’t mean you’re excusing them. It means you’re choosing peace over bitterness. It might feel like you’re losing something by letting go of your anger, but in reality, you’re making space to feel better. Resentment doesn’t protect you; it weighs you down. Letting go isn’t about letting them off the hook, it’s about freeing yourself.

It also helps to separate the behavior from the emotion behind it. Behind most annoying or frustrating behaviors is a valid feeling trying to be expressed. I call this the “kernel of truth.” For instance, if your parent constantly guilts you for not visiting enough, try shifting your perspective from “they’re trying to manipulate me” to “they miss me and don’t know how else to express it.”

If possible, talk to them directly. Share how their behavior impacts you, while also acknowledging their kernel of truth and expressing your desire to stay close. But if they’re not able or willing to change, staying in a relationship with them might mean accepting certain things as they are. You can’t always change the dynamic, but you can change how you respond to it. Sometimes that means setting boundaries. Other times, it’s about releasing the expectation that they’ll change, which can be the most relieving shift of all. And when you can, try to focus on what the relationship does offer, instead of what it doesn’t.

You don’t have to cut someone off to protect your peace, but you do need to be clear about what qualities of theirs you’re willing to accept in order to make the relationship work.

You’ve got this,

Stevie